David McLaren on Barbie talks to Canadians

Barbie is back and talking to Canadians

By David McLaren
Special to True North Perspective
David McLaren is an award-winning writer living at Neyaashiinigamiing on Georgian Bay. He has worked in government, in the private sector, with ENGOs (Environmental Non-Government Organizations) and First Nations. Comments on this and other essays are welcome at http://jdavidmclaren.wordpress.com/.

Hi Canada. It’s me, Barbie. I know, I know, I haven’t been the BGF in the world, for, like … OMG … 20 years!? More – since when I came up north in my little Mountie outfit in 1988. You know, to help out with the Free Trade Agreement? I just loved the hat and the cute way you folks have of saying “eh?” at the end of everything. Do you still do that? Oh well, tempest fidget.

Say hi to Brian for me. But, you know, it’s been a hectic couple of decades what with all the wars in Iraq and the Recession and breaking up with Ken. He was just too into, you know, making it on Wall Street. Then his company got, like, hauled in front of some committee looking at submarined mortgages, or whatever. I mean, it’s too bad, all those people losing their homes. But as Uncle Matty always says, “If you don’t have the dough, don’t put on the show.” Poor Ken, he was really down in the dumps until they got all that money from the government. 

While Ken was MIA on Wall Street, I got to know Blaine out here on the coast. But you all know about that. Anyway, Blaine’s, best friend Joe … we called him GI, for Gone Iraq? He kind of flipped out after one of his tours and blew away my 60-inch flat-screen with his M-4. What a Grumpy Gus. Just between you and me, Canada, I think Joe has a thing for Blaine. Ewww. Not that either one has much, you know, down there. But still. Ewww.

Anyway, Ken and I are back together as of St Valentine’s Day last year. I know, old news. But soromantic. He got a big bonus from his company and flew out to see me. That was the year I was an architect, remember? I had a pink hard hat and a pink tube for my drawings. But I guess you have to take a bunch of exams and then apprentice for years and years.

I’m a fashion designer now. Did I tell you? So-o-o exciting. Ken and I, we’re travelling all over the world following all these a-mazing fashion shows. I might even do a turn on the runway myself. Fifty-three and my waist is still smaller than my head!

But enough about moi, Canada. What about vous? Hey, do you all speak French up there now?

Newt tells me that that you’re finally in the fast lane with a bunch of F-35s on order. Don’t wimp out now, girl. You need to be ready if we have to go into Iran. Benny Netanyahuis counting on us. Besides, just between us BGFs, we need the money to pay for all that new Obamacare.

And Rush says you’re really getting tough on crime! As my old friend Richard Nixon always used to tell me, “when the going gets tough, put someone in jail.” Or something like that. Jesus said, “the poor will always be with us.” Well, out of sight, out of mind. That’s what I say.

Glad to see you’re doing something about all those unions up there. Using the Recession to go after the auto workers – just like we did – that was clever. And now you’re going after the airline unions just like Ronny Reagan did. By the way, we appreciate all those Caterpillar jobs you sent our way. Thanks for that, Indiana needs them. Don’t worry about all the new poor people – that’s what the jails are for … lol!

Donny Rumsfeld tells me that you’re getting into the spy business in a big way. He should know, he had them everywhere. I mean, if you really want to know what’s going on, just take a boo at what your neighbors are texting or tweeting or whatever. Like our neighborhood watches, you know? I mean, they don’t wait for warrants, or the police for that matter. Least not in my neighborhood. Better safe than sorry, I always say. But if that doesn’t keep the hoodies out, there’s always your new jails.

Oooh, and robocalls! That’s way cool. Gives me goosebumps. You go girl!

You’re doing fine, really. But if you really want to stay my BGF you’re going to have to dial back that gay marriage thing you got going up there. OK? I mean, ewww.

Keep up the good work, Canada. Like I say on my facebook page, if you can dream it, you can be it!

David McLaren is an award-winning writer living at Neyaashiinigamiing on the Bruce Peninsula in Ontario. He can be reached through http://jdavidmclaren.wordpress.com/.  Barbie can be reached at http://www.facebook.com/barbie?v=wall.

© David McLaren March 2012