Witness: "Your honour, I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it’s gone.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines and a large trash can.
I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
A stray rabid dog bit my neighbor. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
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